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mikestaggs

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Posted Reply with quote  #61 
A few from Tommy Cooper for the lunchtime John,


I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, 'That's Aboriginal.'
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This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.
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I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said 'Tenpin?' I said, 'No, permanent.'
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I went in to a pet shop. I said, 'Can I buy a goldfish?' The guy said, 'Do you want an aquarium?' I said, 'I don't care what star sign it is.'
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I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. 'Best before End'
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I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said 'Analogue.' I said 'No, just a watch.'
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I went into a shop and I said, 'Can someone sell me a kettle.' The bloke said 'Kenwood' I said, 'Where is he then?'
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I went to the doctor. I said to him 'I'm frightened of lapels.' He said, 'You've got cholera.'
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I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, its P something T something R.
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I was reading this book today, The History of Glue. I couldn't put it down.
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I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on.
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The recruitment consultant asked me 'What do you think of voluntary work? I said 'I wouldn't do it if you paid me.'
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I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, 'You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana.' He said, 'No, this is for the custard.'
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This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, 'I want you to trace someone for me.'
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I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, 'Are you having me on?' I said, 'Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything.'
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I phoned the local builders today, I said to them 'Can I have a skip outside my house?' He said, 'I'm not stopping you!'
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This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says 'Audi!'
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I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo' He said 'You're closest'
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I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me what had happened. I said 'I careered off the road'
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I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there.
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I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on two counts.
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I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said 'Eurostar' I said 'Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.
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I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, 'How flexible are you?' I said, 'I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays.'
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I went to the local video shop and I said, 'Can I borrow Batman Forever?' He said, 'No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow'
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A waiter asks a man, 'May I take your order, sir?' 'Yes,' the man replies. 'I'm just wondering, exactly how do you prepare your chickens?' 'Nothing special, sir. We just tell them straight out that they're going to die.'

Enjoy the rest of your day.....mike
 
 
mikestaggs

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Posted Reply with quote  #62 
Whats the last thing a redneck says before he dies?
'hey evrybody...loook wat i can do'
goddess1

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Posted Reply with quote  #63 


Ahh...human technology helps your biggest organ in a nice game of footie.  Will wonders never cease?
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Posted Reply with quote  #64 

Mikestaggs, did you get some of those from the Onion? I love their compilation books every year. They always have a new one just in time for Christmas. Someone told me there will be a large volume with the last 4 or 5 books coming out soon. Anyone else hear that?
mags45

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Posted Reply with quote  #65 

A genuine sign on Plymouth Hoe (best read from 7th line from the bottom):

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RogerBCN

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Posted Reply with quote  #66 

Hey Mags, love your new avatar. What's that, a mandala?
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mikestaggs

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Posted Reply with quote  #67 
Well Pat,most of those jokes and from my colleague at work and i don't know where he gets them from but as i work in finance its good to laugh in these difficult times.
PS its my birthday today and my wife is buying me an ipod/mp3,one of those, so i will have music now to go with me when i walk my dog in the evening.
John

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Posted Reply with quote  #68 
Happy birthday,mikestaggs---enjoy some good music!
Yes,Paul---top left looks like a rusty bullethole to me.
mags45

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Posted Reply with quote  #69 
Thanks Roger!  It's an original Tolkien illustration used for the cover of his "Unfinished Tales". 

Yup Johan & Paulie - it sure can get rough and tough on the streets of Plymouth - and more than a few rusty screws loose in certain sections of the community - I blame the pirates!
mags45

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Posted Reply with quote  #70 
Quote:
Originally Posted by goddess1


Ahh...human technology helps your biggest organ in a nice game of footie.  Will wonders never cease?



Puts quite a different perspective on handling the ball .....
viddym

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Posted Reply with quote  #71 

Quote:
Originally Posted by mags45


Yup Johan & Paulie - it sure can get rough and tough on the streets of Plymouth - and more than a few rusty screws loose in certain sections of the community - I blame the pirates!

Remember Mags you are dealing with the "King of innuendo".
emwhy

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Posted Reply with quote  #72 
Investment tips for 2008
With all the turmoil in the market today and the collapse of Lehman Bros and Acquisition of Merrill Lynch by Bank of America this might be some good advice.  For all of you with any money left, be aware of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks.

Watch for these consolidations later this year:

1.) Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W R. Grace Co. Will merge and become:
Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.

2.) Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and become:
Poly, Warner Cracker.

3.) 3M will merge with Goodyear and become:
MMMGood.

4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become:
ZipAudiDoDa .

5. FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become:
FedUP.

6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become:
Fairwell Honeychild.

7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become:
PouponPants.

8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become:
Knott NOW!

And finally...

9. Victoria 's Secret and Smith &Wesson will merge under the new name:
TittyTittyBangBang

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sexy

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Posted Reply with quote  #73 

Nothing worse than a rusty screw!!! 


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John

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Posted Reply with quote  #74 
I am so NOT going to follow that one,even though the invitation is almost irresistible.
mags45

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Posted Reply with quote  #75 

!!
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