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Reply with quote  #76 
Traveling Salesman rings the doorbell and a 10 year old boy comes to the door wearing a bra, panties and smoking a cigar. The salesman asks, "Are Mommy and Daddy home?", to which the boy replies, "What the f--- do you think?"

Kudos to Craig Ferguson for that one, the one guy on late night TV who just gets better and better.

JK
TylerWoods

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Reply with quote  #77 

Now that,    Is    f#&k^n    FUNNY!


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Spooner

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Reply with quote  #78 

mikestaggs, those headlines were funny. A neighbor just sent me an e-mail with the same list. It had been forwarded for weeks. They must be popular.

ChadSycamore

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Reply with quote  #79 

Yes,I got the same email.



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Reply with quote  #80 

I LOVE Craig Ferguson! 

mags45

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Reply with quote  #81 
Mike - I think I've found where your jokes come from (he is very Tommy Cooper, isn't he?):

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=eshR-WpdYDM
John

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Reply with quote  #82 
In preparation for the 2012 Games,the East End of London already has the air of an Olympic Village----thousands of people who can't speak English wandering around in tracksuits.
viddym

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Reply with quote  #83 

Quote:
Originally Posted by Johan
In preparation for the 2012 Games,the East End of London already has the air of an Olympic Village----thousands of people who can't speak English wandering around in tracksuits.

They are all wearing placards saying "Where can I get iCon tickets?"

ModernKaveman

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Reply with quote  #84 

Quote:
Originally Posted by Johan
In preparation for the 2012 Games,the East End of London already has the air of an Olympic Village----thousands of people who can't speak English wandering around in tracksuits.


Didn't the Pet Shop Boys sing about East End Boys and West End Girls?  Is there a connection there?

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John

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Reply with quote  #85 
Yeah,MK---like the Pet Shop Boys would know ANYTHING about girls,West End or otherwise.
ric

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Reply with quote  #86 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Johan
In preparation for the 2012 Games,the East End of London already has the air of an Olympic Village----thousands of people who can't speak English wandering around in tracksuits.
Morris Dancers

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goddess1

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Reply with quote  #87 
Not exactly a joke, but this really cracked me up!!

http://www.thedailyshow.com/video/index.jhtml?videoId=187570&title=The-Stupid-Vote

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emwhy

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Reply with quote  #88 
To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth  II.
In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.
(You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas , which she does not fancy).
Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.  A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
 
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1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neigh bour.'  Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters,  and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.'  Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels.  (look up 'vocabulary').
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2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf.  The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into ac count the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of  '-ize.'
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3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
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4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists.  The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent.  Guns should only be used for shooting grouse.  If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist,then you're not ready to shoot grouse.
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5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler.  Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
< B>----------------------
6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect.  At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables.   Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
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7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon.  Get used to it.
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8. You will learn to make real chips.  Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps.  Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar .
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9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all.  Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of  known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager.  South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer.  They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them.  American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
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10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys.  Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters.  Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed  with a cheese grater.
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11. You will cease playing American football.  There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer.  Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). 
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12. Further, you will stop playing baseball.  It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America .  Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.  You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
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13. You must tell us who killed JFK.  It's been driving us mad.
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14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
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15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, an d never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream)  when in season.
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God Save the Queen!

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Gina

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Reply with quote  #89 
Emwhy, I love that! Not a bad idea having tea at 4pm everyday . This would actually be good for me as far as switching English spelling, I have to switch to English UK/Australian for work while writing and after a while ise and u can be confusing...Microsoft isn't perfect either, I have the habit of spelling with ise all the time.
wildflower

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Reply with quote  #90 

Quote:
Originally Posted by goddess1
Not exactly a joke, but this really cracked me up!!

http://www.thedailyshow.com/video/index.jhtml?videoId=187570&title=The-Stupid-Vote


Thanks, goddess1, I needed a good laugh!   Unfortunately, it's too true!
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